My mom has bp and we are currently not speaking due to a series of terrible behaviors that ocurred while she was not on meds. She feels as if she is the victim and we don't want her in our life. She thinks she is proving a point by not speaking to us. During this time I have had a baby. She called me once she found out I had the baby...1 month ago...and i invited her to the hospital to visit. Since then I have sent her 2 ecards (thank you for flowers %26 Happy Birthday). She has not responded and has made no effort to reconnect. She used to be a very big part of our life.
Just wondering if anyone has experience dealing with distance. How did everything work out? I am not sure whether to think this is temporary or perminant.
Answer:
Taking her in for an evaluation is very insulting to anyone. Do you know how often bipolar disorder is diagnosed? It's very over diagnosed these days. You basically said to her, "I don't like you, but your my mother, so I'm going to justify why with a doctor." Especially these days, medicine is a business. A doctor isn't going to let you walk out of his or her office without a diagnosis or prescription. Whatever your intentions or reasons were, that's the way it's seen and in some ways the way it is. Bipolar disorder is often more pleasant than the treatment.
You screwed up. This distance you created with her might be long term or not, but there's nothing you can do now. You hurt your mother by doing this, whether or not you believe she truly needed the help doesn't matter, and now there's nothing you can do to take it back.
I am going through that right now. I have gotten to the point where I have to worry about my family. She knows where I am and how to contact me. Remember, she is the person with the condition and if she chooses not to do what she needs to to control it that is her choice and her problem. Your children will need your undivided attention. Your mother is an adult - she can take care of herself and may one day realize what she missed out on by not doing what was right by her daughter and grandchildren. In the mean time go on with your life.
Why would you want her around a helpless infant when she is not on her meds? Pppl with bipolar are notorious for stopping their medication and not committing to the therapeutic process. It sounds like your mom could also have a borderline personality disorder. She has let you know that she doesn't really want to be a functioning member of the family let alone in society. Regardless of what anyone thinks...your mom is menatlly ill and she needs to take responsibility for her situation...which she is not willing to do. For the sake of your own sanity and the safety of your children you should put your foot down and make her take her meds...be in therapy...if she wants a relationship with you. Make it a requirement.
I took in a teenage girl (mother who was bipolar and exactly what I just described and what you have said about your mom) who's mom abandoned her. For 3 years I was lied to on a constant basis.she stole from everyone in this family and manipulated us. Finally I placed her in a mental facility (where she was diagnosed with bipolar and BPD) and she is now living in a residential treatment center. She refused to work the therapeutic process So she will probably age out of the system. I had to decide which was the best solution for everyone (I have 3 other kids and a grandson). The reality of it all...there is nothing you can do until she's ready to get well. Keep a safe distance away (she uses the I'm a victim thing as a way of manipulating you) and take care of your family. Whatever your mom needs to do you can't help her with. If you play into her being a victim...then you'll only be hurting her and yourself.
People with BPD can have serious mental problems, she must be in therapy as well as taking meds but be patient and try not to worry because she must be agreeable to therapy.
I honestly think that your mother is probably more embarassed by her behavior than anything. The only thing you can do at this point is reassure her that you are willing to accept the fact that this behavior was beyond her control. Mental illness is stigmatized and it is a shame that society still can not understand that it is a problem with organic brain chemistry. If your mother had diabetes or some other condition people would not judge her harshly. She probably needs you more than ever right now but is ashamed and grieving inside about her behaviors. Try to reinforce that you DO want her in your life and hopefully she will sort out her feelings and come to that realization. best wishes
Wow.my mom is BP as well...she is very selfish and thinks "poor me" all the time.I havent spoken to her in over 5 years.My choice...she wont take meds and is consistantly a pain in the *** so I dont deal with her at all.I have kids to care for and I dontr need her making a scene in front of them or being mean when she feels bad.Its not worth it to me.Now.my youngest child has been diagnosed with Bp...I have her on meds and helping her deal with it all.Its been hard on everyone...but being a mom to your own children is more important than dealing with your mother right now.
I am familiar with this disorder. It takes its toll on everyone around them. Family and friends don't know what to do with someone who is mentally ill . We are not as informed about it as we should be. What you need to do is read literature. That will help.People that are Bi-Polar have mood swings and can go from one state of mind to another. They have highs and lows. Try your hardest not have more drama there than she needs. Reason being Bi-Polars are easily stimulated like a child that is sleepy from playing to much. Don't give in to her pity parties, and you can expect that to happen as well as her being so low sometimes she feels like she is in hell and then next she could preach to the church on Sunday morning and feel like she is with Jesus himself. Thats how much of a natural high that they can get. I am being very serious.
. For her to understand herself and you as well, she will have to understand her illness. And so will you. This way you will be informed and not be upset all the time.Or whenever she graces you with her presence. I know its hard but don't let it get to you like it is. She is sick and you have a family that you have to take care of more. You can't spread yourself out so thin that all your emotions are scattered. Take care of you first and whenever she graces you with her presence be as positive as you can. Also one more thing. She will never get stablized until she is on the right meds for this and she has to take them and not stop. When she doesn't take them like she should; it makes everything that much worse. Sometimes you have to let it go in one ear and out the other so it won't hurt your feelings as much. My Moms Bi-Polar too. It has been one heck of a ride with her.
About the question if its temp. or perm. Its according to her and how she chooses to take things and deal with it. Because you can go into remission from BD for several years, but they maintained a certain lifestyle that suited them and they were able to function and showed no signs.
I know shes your Mom but don't set your expectations high when it comes to her. You will be disappointed and hurt and feel let down. At least she did make some kinds of efforts for your child and for your b-day. Some of us that are in the same situation don't even get that. Just love her while shes here, Honey. I know its bad. Believe me I know from personal experience.
My mother is bipolar and so am I, I think when a bipolar individual "shuts down", or distances themselves from loved ones, it`s time to pay a visit to them..I would go and see your mom personally, by yourself and see what kind of a mood she`s in..
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